Let's Rickroll messy herd

or The Elder Scrolls: Skyrim.

Skyrim is one of those 'you're the lone saviour' kinda games which annoy me sometimes.  While I'm out slaying dragons, defeating armies and killing super powerful evil doers, The Lords Recklessly Rim each other in their cosy little castles not lifting a finger to help.  Well fuck them.

This kind of attitude made me a few enemies along the way.  On one occasion I Recklessly Held Mrs Tor, which didn't go down too well with Mr Tor, especially when I started trying on her clothes.  By doing this though, I realised Her Smelly Skirt's Colder than her smelly trousers.  Which is obvious.

 I pissed some people off so badly once that a Clerk Hired Messy Trolls to kill me, but everyone knows that a trolls greatest weakness is fire, so I was all like "Sorcerer! Meld Thy Skills" and used ice to freeze them and fire to burn them, which made them run away crying to their mummys like whiny little troll bitches.  That's when they started trying to provoke me into angry responses on Skyrimternet forums.

Halt Our Fleet

or Fallout Three.

Lets Quickly review Fallout 3 shall we? On the surface it seems like Bethesda has taken Oblivion, added guns and set Reheat to Full. But dig a bit deeper and its much more than that. The story is quite well written, and if you thought Halo Felt True, you won't be able to Fault the Lore of Fallout 3. It's not perfect, and it's not like my Heart Fell Out with emotion, but it does a decent job. One of the big additions since Oblivion is the new V.A.T.S system (I'm not going to explain what it stands for, this isn't a real review). This makes gunfights simpler, and adds a pinch of tactics to combat, but is based partly on chance, so it is sort of half skill, Half Roulette. There's a lot of scope for moral choices, so you can choose to be the good guy or The Feral Lout who steals things and plants live grenades in peoples pockets for fun. Whilst wandering the wastes you have to scavenge for items like Athlete Flour and do silly missions like creating a cure to Heal Otter Flu or stop an epidemic of Lethal Toe Fur. You can pick up sidekicks who help you out along the way, which helps to relieve the isolation, but if you do let someone tag along you'll be entering an Utter Oaf Hell, since the AI for these NPCs is infuriating at times. Overall I'd give this game one fall out of three*.



*not a real review score.

Sir's Anal Coming.

or Animal Crossing

I was playing Animal Crossing the other day, and I bumped into that Maniac Girl's Son. I said “Setting fire to things is fun” In Sarcasm Lingo, but he didn't seem to understand. He said “Arson Is Calming”. I was a little worried at this point, because he asked me where I lived. I didn't want him to burn my house down! So I legged it! I went round to my mate Leo the lion's house because he is one hard bastard! We played on some games and then Leo the Lion Sang Racism! He was singing something about there being No Caring Islams. Fortunately, No Islamics Rang to complain about it, otherwise they would have had to delay the game's release...

Which would have been a shame.

I Order Germs

or Mirrors Edge.

In the Mirrors Edge universe, if you ordered germs, it's probably going to be Faith or one of her chums delivering them.

Faith would bump into some police men along the way, but being a kick arse chic, she'd probably steal their guns and leave them with Rogered Rims. I can't help thinking that her job would be easier if there were More Girders in the city for her to run along. It would probably make the Gods Merrier as well.

Ascend; Ass Rises

or Assasins Creed

Another anagramatic gem. This one relates to the actual gameplay mechanics in the game. The universe moves in mysterious ways.

When this game was released in caused something of a Sadness Crisis because it didn't quite live up to expectations, but personally, I Caress Sadness. It reminds me that I'm alive.

Our Flat Soldier Game

or Metal Gear Solid Four.

How about that? An anagram of a game title that describes the game itself quite well! What? You don't think MGS4 was flat at all? You thought the game was brilliant?

In that case you might say MGS4 was a Game of Ultra Soldier, but a lot of people I've spoken to are of the opinion that it is a Lame Soldier Fag Tour, full of long winded cutscenes.

But, there's no arguing with fanboys. Some would like to give Hideo Kojima a Rude Fellatio Orgasm, but be careful guys! We all know Kojima likes to take part in Sum Rare Dog Fellatio!

Attention! Seen My Rectum Porn?

or Sony Computer Entertainment.

This anagram tells the tale of what happened while Sony was getting ready to release the Playstation3.

Everything was going so well, but one day, the entire stash of anal porn had gone missing from both Phil Harrison's and Ken Kuteragi's office. They put out an A.P.B. ( I don't know what it stands for but I beleive it's what police 'put out' when they're looking for something ) to all their mind controlled slav.... sorry, employees, in order to find said stash of porn.

It was written down in English by Kuteragi-san, which explains the use of the word rectum instead of anal.

The situation was never resolved, and was the root cause for both of them to eventually leave the company.

And that my friends, is the mystery of Sony's rectum porn.

Tech War Mode! Go Software!

or Gears of War Two Tech Demo.

The GoW2/unreal engine tech demo thingy was really cool. This hidden message highlights the arms race between Epic and... everyone else who makes 'for sale' game engines or middleware.

Similar to the Cold War, Epic (lets represent them with a randomly assigned country.... The USA) are building up their atomic arsenal in a bid to bully everyone else into doing what they want. There is some resistance however, from the likes of id software (Russia) with their Tech5 engine.

There are a few smaller players. Havok (represented by the UK) Have some form of nuclear detterent but as with most UK based stuff it's not a complete package and its a pain in the arse. NaturalMotion (erm, who can they be? Lets say Japan) with their Euphoria stuff are the new kids on the block, but they have much awesomeness going on.

But the USA, sorry, Epic will probably go on to become the big superpower in game engines.
Personally I'm looking forward to the new game using the Unreal Engine:

Blocks of Meat XTreme: The Dystrophy Chronicles

Racist Electron

or Electronic Arts.

Yes, those racists electrons over at EA heap hate and loathing upon those innocent nuetrons and protons. The simple and obvious analogy here is to think of the games industry as an atom. You can choose any atom you want. I find Berylium quite attractive.

Basically, EA are the electrons, everyone else is either a proton or a neutron. Some people really hate EA, so they are clearly protons. Others aren't really to bothered, but they still harbour some sort of resentment for EA. These are the Nuetrons.

In short, nobody likes EA, but EA HATES everybody. Except Rockstar and 2K sports.

Two Die in Inn

or Nintendo Wii.

This cryptic oddity seems to imply that since the Nintendo Wii is the cause* of many injuries and damage to expensive property (insert link to TV broken by Wii remote) the situation will come to a head in the future and at some point there will be multiple fatalities.

*or so they say, in actual fact it's all down to people LETTING GO OF THE REMOTE LIKE A LEPER WHOS THUMB HAS FALLEN OFF because they are stupid.